Preface: Every time I do a blog like this, I get really nervous. I hope that my thoughts are not taken wrongly or that people feel like I think I have a better understanding of things than anyone else. I deal with these issues from time to time, because they are issues which I am currently struggling with and want to understand better. And I feel like if I'm struggling with them, others may be too. So I really hope that this doesn't offend anyone!
"A good man out of the good treasure of his heart
brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings
forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. (Luke 6:45
NKJV)
My heart has been very focused on aging lately. As you probably know, Daddy and Bobbie have
reached the time in their lives when they need extra help in managing
things. In addition to moving them into
an assisted living facility, Kathy, Tonette and I have been taking over more
and more of their “business”. As those
of you who have been through this process know, it is not an easy or pleasant
process most of the time. It is difficult
to recognize and admit to the debilitation that naturally occurs with aging. When you’ve taken care of yourself, your
family and all of your own business for many decades, it is natural to feel
like you can continue to do so…even when you can’t. Plus one of the common signs of decreased
cognitive ability is suspicion and paranoia.
As children of aging parents, it is hard to step in and take
control. We are commanded to honor our
parents, and we’ve spent our lifetime trying to do so. When we have to assume more of a “parental”
role, we are conflicted. How do we
intervene and do what is necessary to provide the best life for our parents
without stepping over the line? This has
been a particularly difficult transition for me. I’m constantly second guessing myself. I get frustrated and fearful of the
consequences that might occur if I don’t intervene, which manifests itself as
anger. I am NOT used to feeling or
showing anger towards my dad! And I do
NOT like it! Even though I know, in my brain that these things are normal and I shouldn't get upset, my human heart responds in ways that I'm not proud of. This is something that I struggle with on a daily basis!
I want to take a look at the process of aging and the
effects that it has on our lives, and try to find a better way of managing this
natural and inevitable process.
In Erikson’s chart of psychosocial development, we see that
from the age of 65 and beyond, we have one of two different natural processes
which can occur: ego integrity vs
despair. Basically this means we either
understand and accept that life is drawing to a close and feel a sense of
completeness, or we fear the end of life and enter into despair. As Christians, we should strive for the
first. Death is not an end…merely a
transition which allows us to live eternally with God. I hope and pray that I can approach this
stage of life (the which I am drawing very near to) as did the apostle Paul.
“For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. But if I live on in
the flesh, this will mean fruit from my labor; yet what I shall choose I cannot
tell. For I am hard pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be
with Christ, which is far better.” (Philippians 1:21-23 NKJV)
This second chart shows how our dependence on others changes
in the course of our lifetime.
Our mental and physical decay begins around the age of 55
(which I’ve already passed), and our social dependence increases around the age
of 70. I believe that our “independent
American” outlook, however, has made the acceptance of these facts very
difficult. Other societies have long
recognized the effects of aging and the inevitability of the family structure
changing to accommodate these effects. It
is natural for the parents to move in with their children to be cared for during
their final years. The scriptures speak
of caring for our aging: “But if any widow has children or
grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their
parents; for this is good and acceptable before God.” (1 Timothy 5:4 NKJV) But this process is complicated in the US by societal pressures which promote being "independent" as long as (or longer) than possible.
One of the best lessons I ever heard from Larry Trekell was
on aging, as described in Ecclesiastes 12.
This chapter describes many of the physical changes that occur with
aging: our legs grow bowed, we lose our
teeth, our eyesight and hearing grow dim, etc.
Many of these changes bring embarrassment or shame; but if we recognize
it as the normal process of life, there is no need to feel those things. If we become incontinent, it is a
complication that needs to be handled, but it bears no shame with it. We need to reexamine our way of thinking
about these things and learn to live with them without complaint. (I know, this is easier said than done!)
Along with societal pressure to be independent, we have the
natural deterioration of cognitive abilities and the onset (in many cases) of
dementia. Unfortunately, those who
suffer from these mental impairments don’t necessarily recognize that it is
happening…resulting in conflict and power struggles. As we go through this process with our
parents, my hope and prayer is that I can stay aware enough, as I go through
this process myself, to recognize my declining abilities and retain the trust
in my children to listen to them when I don’t see it. I’m constantly telling Sheila to remind me of
this when I reach the point where I need to step back and relinquish control to
her or when I start to act "unreasonably".
The purpose of this blog isn’t to whine about the challenges
that we are facing at this time, or to complain about my dad and Bobbie. The purpose is two-fold: one, to better understand and deal with
things as we go through this “journey” with our aging parents; and two, to
spread more awareness to the next generation as we plan for our “golden
years”. I believe there are steps that
we can take to make things easier on our children when their time comes to
assist us.
1
Don’t put off making the necessary legal
preparations. (This is one that we still
need to do!) It is wise to assign a
durable power of attorney and health power of attorney BEFORE it is
needed! If we have trained our children
and maintained a healthy relationship with them throughout our lives, then we
can definitely trust them with this! As
mental decline sets in, so does paranoia and a sense of desperation in trying
to maintain control, that can hinder our families in being able to obtain these
very important documents. And, of
course, we need to create a will or take whatever steps are necessary to
distribute our belongings to our families in a way that doesn’t create
unnecessary hardship for them.
2
Recognize that life is fleeting and that death
is inevitable (unless the Lord returns first).
No matter how much we might try to fight the aging process and live
longer, we WILL eventually die. Although
the average lifespan has increased, it still falls within the parameters that
are stated in the scriptures. The
average life expectancy in the US is currently about 79 years. What does the Bible say? “The
days of our lives are seventy years; And if by reason of strength they are
eighty years, Yet their boast is only labor and sorrow; For it is soon cut off,
and we fly away.” (Psalms 90:10 NKJV) Even
though we are seeing many of our aged live well into their 80’s and 90’s, the
averages hold true. That means I can
reasonably assume that I have about 21 years left, and my dad is living on
borrowed time. So trying to “hold on to
our youth” and deny that we are getting old is pointless. We are getting old…every one of us…and we
will eventually die. We need to be
realistic in our views about life and make the necessary adjustments along the
way. This doesn’t mean being morbid, but
rather, recognizing that aging is NOT something to fear or be embarrassed
about! It is part of the process of life
that God set in order.
3
We need to change our focus on what is
important. Layne gave a really good
lesson on this a couple of weeks ago. We
have such a strong tendency to focus on the things of this life and place way
too much value in them. As Christians,
our focus should be on eternal things. “Set your mind on things above, not on
things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.
When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in
glory.” (Colossians 3:2-4 NKJV)
As we lose control over our surroundings, as happens as our abilities
wane and our dependence increases, it is the natural tendency to try to
desperately hold on to what we have left.
I’m not sure how we can control this process, but I truly believe a good
start is to, early on, loosen our attachment to “stuff”. Rather than holding on to everything “in case
we might need it later”, we shoud spend our lifetime constantly reassessing and
releasing our possessions. If we have
something that someone else needs more than we do, share it with them. Pass our treasured heirlooms on to our
children early in life, rather than holding on to them until we die. Allow them to enjoy them and take pleasure in
seeing our history shared. But mainly,
we need to develop a mindset that “things” just aren’t important. Our relationship with God and His Son, Jesus;
as well as our relationships with others is what really matters. Never allow “things” to damage relationships!
4
We need to practice humility and resist the
temptation to feel like we have learned all we need to know. Unfortunately, it is the natural tendency of
man to reach a point where he feels like he has reached a certain plateau in
his development. We think we “know it
all” and it is the duty of those younger to listen to us. Even though wisdom can come with age,
(although it doesn’t necessarily always do so) pride is an evil which must be
battled with at ALL ages. If we ever
reach the point where we think we know it all or are above reproach, we need to
beware! "Because you say, 'I am
rich, have become wealthy, and have need of nothing' --and do not know that you
are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked”-- (Revelation 3:17 NKJV) “He has shown you, O man, what is good; And
what does the LORD require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk
humbly with your God?” (Micah 6:8 NKJV)
5
We need to continually allow the Spirit of God
to work in us. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there
is no law. And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its
passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.
Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.” (Galatians
5:22-26 NKJV) I’ve heard people say,
as they get older, that they’ve earned the right to speak their mind and not
worry about what other people think. As
Christians, this is in complete opposition to how we are supposed to be. As we mature in body, we should also mature
in the Spirit. The fruits that come
forth should manifest the Spirit of God, not the carnal nature of man. Showing kindness and love, being joyful,
being gentle are NOT things that we should ever “outgrow”. It is a product of society that we should be
“strong, and not allow anyone to tell us what to do!” It is NOT of the Spirit of God! I understand that dementia can and does have
its effect on behavior, and people aren’t always responsible for their actions
and words as they decline with age. Let
us feed the Spirit while we still have opportunity, so hopefully, even as we
lose control over our mind, the goodness that has been brought forth in our
lives through the Spirit will continue to shine as a reflection of our hearts.
I don’t claim to be an expert on aging, at all. As I mentioned at the beginning, this is just
something that has been on my mind a lot lately. As we struggle watching our parents’ generation
go through the final stages of life and the difficulties that this brings, let
us learn from our experiences, but mostly from God’s Word, how we need to
approach this time in our own lives…because it isn’t far away.
