This and that

Had a great week last week! Daddy’s trip to the nephrologist went very well. His kidney function is holding steady in the 50’s (which is still considered kidney disease, but much better than in the 30’s where it has been!). The increased Lasix is doing a great job of keeping the fluid off of him. His legs are about normal size now…first time in years. He could probably do without the oxygen now. The last couple of times they checked it while he wasn’t wearing it, it was in the mid-to-upper 90’s. Bobbie is just getting weaker and weaker. Yesterday was a good day though. I got her out of bed and took her to look at the birds in the aviary and then sit outside on the porch for a little while. She was able to hold her head up for a good while during all of that. By the time we got back to the room, she was worn out and ready to get back in bed. She is depressed over Wallace’s death and her own health, which is understandable. She wants to get up and do things, but she just isn’t able. I know she is either in pain or discomfort most of the time, too. It is hard to know how to help her! She is no longer strong enough to make it to church services anymore, which she is very upset about. Daddy has decided to stay with her, because he is nervous about leaving her “alone”. She really gets upset with us for not taking her, but there is no way she could manage being up that long at this point. Getting her in and out of bed requires assistance. We would have to literally pick her up to put her in our vehicle! She recognized a few weeks ago that she was too weak to continue going, but she forgets.

Jensen spent a couple of nights last week with us. He and Dennis spent hours back in the den talking and studying. We enjoyed his visit! It was nice to have an excuse to buy ice cream, too!

Sheila took me out for lunch on Thursday for my birthday. Nam asked her that morning where we were going to eat. Sheila told him it was my choice. He told her, “Well, you know she really likes chicken!” Ha! Instead of chicken, we went to a Vietnamese restaurant, and I got a bowl of pho. It was delicious! (We went to Golden Chick that night for supper!) Afterwards we went and got a pedicure, then had some gourmet popsicles for a little treat. By then, it was close to time to pick up Nam from museum school. I brought him home to spend the night with us. We sure enjoyed having him over again. We’ve really missed him this summer with all of his summer classes. We will have him a couple of days a week for the next two weeks, and then it will be time for school to start. We are looking forward to “being retired” again, but we sure do miss that little guy when he’s not around.

Sean G, from Vian, was our guest speaker this past Sunday. We had our potluck over at Layne and Heather’s. We really enjoyed the day! I had never spent any time with Sean and Ashley before then. They are a really sweet couple, and their little girls are adorable! They were able to stay over until Monday (at the Pettits’), so we all ate out together Sunday night to extend our visit a little longer.

Andy and Sherry had come over Sunday for the day and had some car troubles while here. We had them come over after supper, so Dennis and Andy could work on the car to make sure it was safe to drive home. They finally got it driveable around 10:00. I felt sorry for them, but Sherry and I enjoyed our visit. We hope to take a little trip together sometime in the not-too-distant future. We are wanting to ride the train to Alpine and spend a few days exploring the area. It ought to be a blast!

My cousin, Gwen, had major back surgery on Tuesday, which lasted about 9 hours! Anita, her sister, has been staying over in Arlington with her. She has done remarkably well since the surgery! She is hoping to come home today, but the last time I heard, the doctor still hadn’t been by. Please remember her in your prayers as she recovers from such an extensive surgery! Hopefully she will be pain-free eventually and recover from some of the nerve damage in her feet and legs.

We are leaving in the morning to spend the night at Stephen and Mandy’s. I told them they could have a night out, and we would keep the kiddos. This will be our first time alone with Gracie. I’m really looking forward to it! I imagine Dennis will do a little fishing with the boys. 

I'm still enjoying my sourdough! I made hamburger buns from it yesterday, and they were delicious. The only thing that I've tried that I didn't like was sourdough pancakes. Poor Jensen was my guinea pig, but he didn't complain. I didn't care for them at all though. Everything else that I've tried has been really good. I especially like it for pizza crust!

Well, that’s what has been going on around here. I hope all is going well where you are! (Isn’t this little cool front WONDERFUL!)

Update on the folks

I want to thank everyone who reached out to me after my last few posts! I was surprised at the people who told me that they understood what I was going through and felt the same way. Even though I know that many of us are facing similar circumstances at this point in our lives, I guess I didn’t realize that my feelings weren’t all that unusual. From the outside, it can look like someone “has it all together”, even though they are struggling on the inside. It really helps knowing that others are sympathetic to my situation and understand my struggles. It also helps to know that someone besides myself is getting some benefit from my scribbles.

The folks are both continuing to decline. Bobbie is now on hospice. She still isn’t eating enough to keep a bird alive, and she is having trouble swallowing. Sometimes she does ok…other times she can’t swallow her medications. I think the nursing home will try to crush what they can and perhaps hospice can provide liquid meds for some of the others. Bobbie hates being in bed now! It is definitely helping her rest though…as well as Daddy. She was waking him up several times a night when she slid down in her chair, and he would have to call for someone to come help. I don’t know how the bed could be more uncomfortable than the position she was usually in while sitting in her recliner, but she says it is. One thing that makes it difficult is that she can’t work the controls to adjust it to her satisfaction. Someone else has to do it and go by when she says it is ok or not. She is very sad over the death of Wallace and really misses her only remaining brother. That also frustrates her, and can come out as anger. Her short-term memory is really poor, so she gets upset about decisions that she helped make, because she thinks people just are being mean and not allowing her to do things. I try to patiently explain that she is just too weak to get out and go any more. I sympathize with her situation and assure her that everyone is just trying to do what is best for her. It seems to help short-term, but then she forgets and gets upset all over again.  It really is sad!

Daddy’s physical health is pretty stable right now, but his mental health is really declining. He can no longer operate his cell phone, which has been one of his last means of independence. He now has to have the nursing home call me when he wants to tell me something. He has also developed the propensity to take things from wherever he is. I think it is the “hoarder instinct” that he has always had kicking into overdrive. He fills his walker basket with silverware, napkins, straws, tissues, crackers, leftover food or whatever else happens to be within reach. He pilfered a blanket from someone at church yesterday morning. I managed to restrain him from taking it into the nursing home and washed and returned it to the church house. I really don’t think he realizes that he is taking things he shouldn’t. It seems to be more of a “reflex”. He is getting much more docile. That might seem to be a good thing, but it is just means that he is losing his ability to think. He mostly just responds to instruction. He seemed a little more alert this morning when I visited. He wanted some snapshots taped up on their wall, so they can look at them all the time. That is the most interest that he’s shown about anything in a while. It is hard to know if his rapid decline is the normal progression of his aging process, or if it is trauma induced from all of the changes that he’s been through lately, or if it is something else. Whatever is causing it, it has been brutal to watch. I take him to his nephrologist in the morning. It will be interesting to see what his bloodwork has to show. His edema has improved GREATLY since they upped his Lasix! But that can be hard on kidneys, so the doctor may want to cut back again. There is a correlation between kidney failure and dementia. It is such a delicate balancing act at this stage of life!

On a brighter note, Sheila’s family came over Friday night for our Mexican feast. Everyone loved the tamales! They turned out better than I thought they would, but next time, I plan to use a different technique to make them. Matt has been around a lot of tamale making parties when he lived in the valley, and he said using a tortilla press is the way to go! We really enjoyed our visit with them, and Nam was very excited to be back. We are having to find ways to get together with him while he’s in zoo camp. We had already arranged to keep him this coming Friday, since he won’t be going to class. We decided to have a sleepover on Thursday night to extend our time a bit more. Sheila is taking me out for lunch on Thursday, so we can pick him up from school together and I can bring him home with me. I think Grandad and I miss him as much as he misses us! We’ve been an almost daily part of each other’s lives for the past 20 months! That has to change with his new living circumstances and beginning kindergarten, but it will definitely take some time to adjust for all of us.

We plan to go see our other grandkids next weekend. We sure are looking forward to seeing them again. It has been almost 2 months since our last visit! Boy, time sure does get away from you! Gracie is at the age where she is changing SO MUCH in between visits. Stephen and Mandy are really good at sending us pictures and videos, though, to try to keep us up to date.

Well, my laundry is beckoning so I’d better go. The weather is supposed to turn very hot this week, so please be careful outdoors! Give someone a hug and let them know you love them. You never know when you may not have another opportunity.

Joy and Sadness

If you happen to see me with tears in my eyes, don’t worry about me. I’m not depressed. I’m not overwhelmed. I’m not hopeless. I’m just sad. It’s ok to be sad at times. It’s needful to be sad at times. And there are things going right now that are worth being sad about. So if you see me on the verge of crying, just smile or give me a hug, and don’t get upset if the tears get worse. That’s just the way I’m made.

Even though there are some really sad things going on right now, life is good. We greatly enjoyed our trip to the summer meeting last week in Tahlequah. ("TAHLEQUAH?!") We were able to be there from Wed-Friday night. We enjoyed the lessons, the fellowship, the singing, but mostly the opportunity to worship and praise God with so many of our loved ones. Daddy and Bobbie made it ok at home while we were gone. I only got one phone call from Dad on Friday, because he couldn’t remember when we were coming home and was concerned about how he was going to get to church on Sunday morning. I assured him we’d be home by then, and he was fine.

We dropped by to see Nam and family on our way home Saturday afternoon. We hadn’t seen him since Sunday afternoon. We stayed for maybe 30 minutes and then headed home. Later that evening, we got a phone call from him asking if we could maybe get together for dinner some night. It’s going to take some getting used to not having him around every week (for all of us!). But for now, we have plans for their family to come over Friday night for supper.

Bobbie is no longer able to attend church services. Her strength is fading away. I think she will probably be confined to a wheelchair or bed from here on out. She’s been sleeping in her recliner (they both do), but she can no longer pull herself up in the chair. She just sorta melts down into the seat and gets stuck. So they are supposed to be getting her a bed today. Daddy is doing ok physically, but either depression or continued mental deterioration has him rather numb. He has trouble communicating and his short-term memory is very unreliable. He only seems interested in eating and playing bingo…and hoarding. You never know what you’ll find in his walker storage! Watching the two of them fade is so difficult.

We made it out to Wallace’s funeral and burial yesterday. It doesn’t seem right that his smile and teasing are no longer in this world. He was such a sweet…and ornery old guy! I don’t think he ever met anyone that he didn’t like or that didn’t like him. He is really going to be missed!

I have discovered the delights of sourdough! I watched a documentary talking about the advantages of fermented foods (including sourdough), so I decided to begin a starter. It took about 10 days for it to really start “ginning”. I found some recipes that use the “discard” during the process, so we enjoyed some sourdough soft pretzels, sourdough pizza dough and some sourdough whole wheat crackers. I was finally able to make some bread from the ripe starter last week. It is great for sandwiches, and I have noticed a difference. I normally have heartburn after eating regular bread products, especially at night, but I haven’t suffered from it since using the sourdough. Tonight I made chicken and dumplings using a recipe for sourdough biscuits, and still no heartburn. I found a lot of recipes on the King Arthur Flour website, so I’m doing a lot of experimenting!

I’m going to try something else new this week. I’ve always (or at least for the past 45 years) wanted to make tamales, but I’ve always been too nervous to try it on my own. I’m planning a Mexican feast for Friday night when Sheila’s bunch and Rick and Amber are here, so I decided to include tamales on the menu. I found a recipe for chicken, green chili and cheese tamales that sounds delicious, so I plan to make them up Thursday. (Wish me luck!) Then Friday, I’m making deer enchiladas, refried beans, yellow rice, white queso and guacamole. I love feeding folks…especially my family…and the more, the merrier!

For those that we saw at the meeting and funeral, it was great to see you and catch up! I love being able to visit with old friends and make new ones. Thanks to the Spunky Creek church for all of their hard work in putting the meeting together and hosting it! To the Young family, my heart hurts for you all! I know there is a peace in knowing that Wallace’s suffering is over, but how he will be missed! To all, I hope there is more joy in your days than sadness. Love you all!

Honoring our Parents

De 5:16 'Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the LORD your God is giving you. (NKJV)

After my last blog on aging, a dear friend asked if I would do one on the above passage…specifically as it pertains to caring for our aging parents. I definitely do not feel qualified to do this, because I feel like I have been such a failure at it myself. However, I will honor my friend’s request and address this topic.

The word honor is defined in Strongs as “be chargeable, glorify, promote”. This is also expounded upon by Jesus in Matthew. “Mt 15:3 He answered and said to them, "Why do you also transgress the commandment of God because of your tradition? For God commanded, saying, 'Honor your father and your mother'; and, 'He who curses father or mother, let him be put to death.' "But you say, 'Whoever says to his father or mother, "Whatever profit you might have received from me is a gift to God" -- 'then he need not honor his father or mother.' Thus you have made the commandment of God of no effect by your tradition.” (NKJV) The word used here means to value or to prize. Jesus is talking about how the Jews had nullified this commandment by offering a gift at the altar to remove this responsibility from themselves.

So when we look at this idea in light of caring for our parents as they become incapable of caring for themselves, it makes perfect sense. If we truly value someone and are chargeable to them, then we will do everything in our power to see that they are well-cared for. This commandment also comes with a blessing…”that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you”. So caring for our parents benefits everyone involved. Our parents don’t have to worry about how they are going to manage when their minds and bodies grow too weak to continue on their own. Plus we are blessed by God for providing for them.

I have to admit, right off, that this isn’t always as “rosy” as the passages make it out to be. Navigating through the details of caring for the aged takes patience, perseverance, humility, compassion, mercy, wisdom, and most of all, a great deal of love. I am somewhat lacking in several of these virtues, so it can be quite challenging for me to remember that I should be thankful for the opportunity to care for my dad. I want to be! I try to see it as such. However, the day to day struggles can blind me to the blessings. I think one of the major obstacles that contribute to this is that sometimes the person that you are caring for is not the same person that you have always loved and respected. Don’t get me wrong…I truly love my dad. But when I look in his eyes and observe the way he reacts to day to day living, I don’t recognize him as the same person who I’ve known all my life. That doesn’t negate my responsibilities towards him, nor does it diminish my love and concern for him; but it does affect how I feel. It is almost like caring for a stranger at times…only this stranger is supposed to be my dad.

I’m not satisfied with the “job” that I’ve been doing, in caring for Daddy. I get so very aggravated at myself when I get angry or allow my feelings to get hurt or get tired of dealing with the inevitable problems that arise. I find myself focusing on the inconveniences that I have to deal with. I’m ashamed that I feel this way, but I have to be honest and admit to those feelings. I would love it if I were able to look forward to each day and how I might be able to make Daddy’s day a little better. I feel like a terrible daughter when I find myself complaining about having to do things for him, or when I lose my patience with him. This is not how I thought things would be.

So where is the blessing that I’m “supposed to be receiving”? I often feel like I'm still waiting for it. I know that my shortcomings are primarily to blame. I’ve observed others who have dealt very well with their aging parents and were happy and thankful to do so. Their blessing was apparent. I wish I could be like that. I DO receive benefits from this time. I’m (imperfectly) learning patience and compassion on a grander scale than I previously had. Even though I constantly feel guilty that I’m not able to care for him in my home, I know that I've done my best to find very good homes for him and monitor his circumstances to make sure that he is being well cared for. I try to patiently help him maintain the amount of independence that is best for him, even if it isn’t as much as he desires. I’ve learned SO MUCH about how to (try) to plan for my own approaching dotage. I’ve learned how insignificant things of this life are, and how our desire should be centered on the eternal. And I’ve developed another layer of appreciation for Dennis, my partner and best friend for almost 42 years. I truly don’t know what I’d do without him.

I also believe, that as the aged further decline and more “hands on” care is required, another blessing comes into play. I believe that skin on skin interaction produces a deeper kind of love for our parents. It is proven that holding babies has a positive effect on their health and mental development. Hugging also is scientifically proven to provide benefits for the body and mind. I believe that the physical (touching) care that one provides for the aged benefits both the elderly and their caregivers. Gentle, loving physical touch causes the release of endorphins. Just as we “bond” with a baby that we hold and care for, I believe we also "bond" with the elderly that we physically care for. They receive the assistance (in whatever form it may be) plus the comfort of having a loved one’s caring hands on them. We are drawn closer to them with the same actions and are “comforted” ourselves. I always felt closer to my mom when I was helping care for her in the hospital. Daddy hasn’t yet reached this point, although Bobbie is rapidly getting there. I have noticed that when I physically have to raise her to a better sitting position or provide support for her as she gets in or out of the car, that I feel more “maternal” towards her. I truly believe that a great deal of this has to do with physical touch. 

I know there may be some who are disappointed in how I’m caring for my dad. Believe me, I am, too! For now, I just keep on plugging at it the best I can:  constantly asking for God’s help, looking for ways to do better, and trying not to become discouraged. I know everyone’s journey is different. Some parents age with grace, but the physical challenges can be overwhelming. Some people lose their parents early on and deal with the grief that comes from that rather than the challenges of dealing with old age. When death come suddenly, family is often unprepared to deal with it. For those of us who have a front row seat to our parent(s) decline, we can (I believe) face the end with more acceptance. Seeing the suffering that the "dying process" brings make us yearn for relief. Whatever our lot, we all have our struggles. We all have our blessings. Our response to the things we face is what defines us and determines how much of a “blessing” we receive.

In conclusion, let me say that I really am thankful that I’m able to care for my dad! I don’t always act like it or sound like it. But being able to insure his well-being is extremely important to me. I would do anything for him. Taking on that responsibility, however, hasn’t been what I expected. It isn’t just providing care for him. It involves facing his cognitive and physical decline. It involves helping him come to terms with that decline, even when he doesn’t want to. It involves dealing with issues that I never even dreamed that I would have to face. And, just as in parenting, you have to learn as you go. Nobody can prepare you or tell you how to do it, because everyone is different, as are the circumstances of their lives. It has turned out to be one of the most difficult things that I’ve ever done. I’m still learning. I’m still trying to improve. I’m still hoping to see the time that “it will be well” for me. Some days it is. For now, that’s good enough.