Honoring our Parents

De 5:16 'Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the LORD your God is giving you. (NKJV)

After my last blog on aging, a dear friend asked if I would do one on the above passage…specifically as it pertains to caring for our aging parents. I definitely do not feel qualified to do this, because I feel like I have been such a failure at it myself. However, I will honor my friend’s request and address this topic.

The word honor is defined in Strongs as “be chargeable, glorify, promote”. This is also expounded upon by Jesus in Matthew. “Mt 15:3 He answered and said to them, "Why do you also transgress the commandment of God because of your tradition? For God commanded, saying, 'Honor your father and your mother'; and, 'He who curses father or mother, let him be put to death.' "But you say, 'Whoever says to his father or mother, "Whatever profit you might have received from me is a gift to God" -- 'then he need not honor his father or mother.' Thus you have made the commandment of God of no effect by your tradition.” (NKJV) The word used here means to value or to prize. Jesus is talking about how the Jews had nullified this commandment by offering a gift at the altar to remove this responsibility from themselves.

So when we look at this idea in light of caring for our parents as they become incapable of caring for themselves, it makes perfect sense. If we truly value someone and are chargeable to them, then we will do everything in our power to see that they are well-cared for. This commandment also comes with a blessing…”that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you”. So caring for our parents benefits everyone involved. Our parents don’t have to worry about how they are going to manage when their minds and bodies grow too weak to continue on their own. Plus we are blessed by God for providing for them.

I have to admit, right off, that this isn’t always as “rosy” as the passages make it out to be. Navigating through the details of caring for the aged takes patience, perseverance, humility, compassion, mercy, wisdom, and most of all, a great deal of love. I am somewhat lacking in several of these virtues, so it can be quite challenging for me to remember that I should be thankful for the opportunity to care for my dad. I want to be! I try to see it as such. However, the day to day struggles can blind me to the blessings. I think one of the major obstacles that contribute to this is that sometimes the person that you are caring for is not the same person that you have always loved and respected. Don’t get me wrong…I truly love my dad. But when I look in his eyes and observe the way he reacts to day to day living, I don’t recognize him as the same person who I’ve known all my life. That doesn’t negate my responsibilities towards him, nor does it diminish my love and concern for him; but it does affect how I feel. It is almost like caring for a stranger at times…only this stranger is supposed to be my dad.

I’m not satisfied with the “job” that I’ve been doing, in caring for Daddy. I get so very aggravated at myself when I get angry or allow my feelings to get hurt or get tired of dealing with the inevitable problems that arise. I find myself focusing on the inconveniences that I have to deal with. I’m ashamed that I feel this way, but I have to be honest and admit to those feelings. I would love it if I were able to look forward to each day and how I might be able to make Daddy’s day a little better. I feel like a terrible daughter when I find myself complaining about having to do things for him, or when I lose my patience with him. This is not how I thought things would be.

So where is the blessing that I’m “supposed to be receiving”? I often feel like I'm still waiting for it. I know that my shortcomings are primarily to blame. I’ve observed others who have dealt very well with their aging parents and were happy and thankful to do so. Their blessing was apparent. I wish I could be like that. I DO receive benefits from this time. I’m (imperfectly) learning patience and compassion on a grander scale than I previously had. Even though I constantly feel guilty that I’m not able to care for him in my home, I know that I've done my best to find very good homes for him and monitor his circumstances to make sure that he is being well cared for. I try to patiently help him maintain the amount of independence that is best for him, even if it isn’t as much as he desires. I’ve learned SO MUCH about how to (try) to plan for my own approaching dotage. I’ve learned how insignificant things of this life are, and how our desire should be centered on the eternal. And I’ve developed another layer of appreciation for Dennis, my partner and best friend for almost 42 years. I truly don’t know what I’d do without him.

I also believe, that as the aged further decline and more “hands on” care is required, another blessing comes into play. I believe that skin on skin interaction produces a deeper kind of love for our parents. It is proven that holding babies has a positive effect on their health and mental development. Hugging also is scientifically proven to provide benefits for the body and mind. I believe that the physical (touching) care that one provides for the aged benefits both the elderly and their caregivers. Gentle, loving physical touch causes the release of endorphins. Just as we “bond” with a baby that we hold and care for, I believe we also "bond" with the elderly that we physically care for. They receive the assistance (in whatever form it may be) plus the comfort of having a loved one’s caring hands on them. We are drawn closer to them with the same actions and are “comforted” ourselves. I always felt closer to my mom when I was helping care for her in the hospital. Daddy hasn’t yet reached this point, although Bobbie is rapidly getting there. I have noticed that when I physically have to raise her to a better sitting position or provide support for her as she gets in or out of the car, that I feel more “maternal” towards her. I truly believe that a great deal of this has to do with physical touch. 

I know there may be some who are disappointed in how I’m caring for my dad. Believe me, I am, too! For now, I just keep on plugging at it the best I can:  constantly asking for God’s help, looking for ways to do better, and trying not to become discouraged. I know everyone’s journey is different. Some parents age with grace, but the physical challenges can be overwhelming. Some people lose their parents early on and deal with the grief that comes from that rather than the challenges of dealing with old age. When death come suddenly, family is often unprepared to deal with it. For those of us who have a front row seat to our parent(s) decline, we can (I believe) face the end with more acceptance. Seeing the suffering that the "dying process" brings make us yearn for relief. Whatever our lot, we all have our struggles. We all have our blessings. Our response to the things we face is what defines us and determines how much of a “blessing” we receive.

In conclusion, let me say that I really am thankful that I’m able to care for my dad! I don’t always act like it or sound like it. But being able to insure his well-being is extremely important to me. I would do anything for him. Taking on that responsibility, however, hasn’t been what I expected. It isn’t just providing care for him. It involves facing his cognitive and physical decline. It involves helping him come to terms with that decline, even when he doesn’t want to. It involves dealing with issues that I never even dreamed that I would have to face. And, just as in parenting, you have to learn as you go. Nobody can prepare you or tell you how to do it, because everyone is different, as are the circumstances of their lives. It has turned out to be one of the most difficult things that I’ve ever done. I’m still learning. I’m still trying to improve. I’m still hoping to see the time that “it will be well” for me. Some days it is. For now, that’s good enough.